I know how you feel.
How you touch your cheeks constantly to make sure you’re not crying because you’ve cried too many times without even knowing it. How you stare at the “Online” beside his name for hours or minutes waiting. For what? I guess we never really knew. How you try to say his name over and over again in hopes that you might get used to it without shuddering or flinching. I understand how you’ve weeped for him, not only in the way of little dollops of tears pricking your eyelids, but also the way of screaming at the stars and wishing this was all a dream but the pain somewhere in your heart has somewhat metastasised too quickly through your body for you to convince yourself otherwise. I understand how you feel when you reread those messages and replay memories that made you want to build a time machine just to go back and relive it or change the way you did things and the way you try to ignore all of it and just shut it all out of your mind and your heart. I can feel the way some of you are trying to be happy because hey, he’s happy and the way some of you are stuck between sad or guilty or inferior or mad.
It seems unlikely right now, but you can/will get over him. Time will help mend you and I know it seems like your clock’s arms has arthritis, but that time will come. Maybe you were with him, but you weren’t for him. You do not have to shut yourself out and be a robot. You’re smarter now and you know better, but you do not have to let them steal your capability to love. Do not let anyone steal your tenderness or make you shut the gates to your heart. Do not let them hush or shush you, speak. If somehow you two we’re really for each other, your paths will cross again but right now, you little bud, you still got to bloom and be the beautiful flower you are.
Happiness is a choice, your choice and you have to make that choice at some point. It’s okay to be sad. Go and pour your heart out. Don’t let the tiresome and exhausting lies of being okay eat you up drive you. Don’t let your emotions control you because, believe me, you are stronger than that. You have every right to be sad, but don’t stay sad. Shane Koyczan once said that, “You can stack your misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow- but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.”
You are not your broken heart and you are more than what is hurting you tonight. So now, it’s honestly okay. We’re human- incapable and imperfect. We get heartbroken. It’s part of learning and the pain of growing. There is someone up there willing to heal you. You will go on and you will move forward- if we choose to.